If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
