My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
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