I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
