Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
