I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
he wants to bone in the snuggie
apparently the secret to your success is patron
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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