I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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