bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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