When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Randomize
