remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
