Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
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