Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
