Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
