Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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