now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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