right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
