I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
The adults are the big ones right?
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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