I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Is it penis luge time yet?
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Randomize
