I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
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I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
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It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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