how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
