Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
