I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
