Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
false alarm, still single
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
