Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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