my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
