In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
