Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
