At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Randomize