I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
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Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
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I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
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