my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
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