He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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