I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
