The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
