So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
