If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
