I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
