Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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