While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
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