He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
