My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
