god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
