I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize
