I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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