i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
