Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
