my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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