Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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