GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Randomize
