Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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