Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
