forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
