You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
