i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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