the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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