Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Randomize
