i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
