It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
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I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
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In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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